Kathryn Elisabeth

I?d love to say the day Kathryn was born was one of the happiest of my life, but that unfortunately is not true. In fact it was probably the worst day of my life. I was expecting so much. I felt that I had a second chance with Kathryn and that I would be able to bond with her sooner than I did with Myles.

I got up at 3:30 that morning and felt very anxious and nervous. I can honestly say I had a ?bad feeling? that I couldn?t explain. In fact the day before I said to my mom ?what if something is wrong with her, health wise?? I just had what I believe is mother?s intuition. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 and I had to get monitored and prepped for surgery. I still had a terrible feeling. I asked the doctor for something to calm my nerves and she gave me a drug which turned out to be much too powerful, as it blurred my senses and made me very drowsy. As I lay on the operating table I could hear Christmas music on the radio. I kept asking the nurse to turn it up because I wanted something to focus on, rather than was I was actually experiencing which was a lot of fear and anxiety.

After what seemed like forever, they brought Kathryn out of my womb and she didn?t cry right away. The feeling of dread just poured over me, and felt like a heavy blanket. Through the fog I managed to say to Mike ?Is she OK? Is she breathing? Is something wrong with the baby??

The nurses were giving her oxygen and rubbing her back saying ?come on... breathe? The sense of fear and anxiety just intensified at that point. I didn?t know what was going on, and they assured me I had no reason to worry but I still didn?t feel the sense of joy that I did with Myles' birth. I couldn?t feel all of the emotions I knew I was supposed to be feeling. All I could feel was the heaviness of the drugs on my brain and the feeling that something just wasn?t right. After my surgery they took Kathryn to the NICU for monitoring and I spent the next 6 hours wondering where in the world my baby was. This was the baby I was supposed to hold right away, to nurse, to bond with.

With Mike at home changing clothes, and my mom in the room I was finally called the NICU that afternoon and was told to hold while they got the doctor on the phone. It was at that point that I knew something was wrong and the feeling of dread sunk in. It was like the phone ringing at 3:00 am. You?re not sure but you suspect it can?t be good. As the doctor described to me how she was a ?very sick little girl? I felt my heart explode and drop down into my stomach. I think at that point time slowed down and everything seemed very surreal. It wasn?t happening to me, those kind of things happen to other people. I have big, healthy babies, not sick babies with heart defects. He can?t be right, it must be a mistake, after all he said they weren?t positive what was wrong with her. I just gasped and tried to finish the conversation while sobbing and trying to stuff my emotions down. My ?roommate? was about 4 feet away separated only by a curtain. I could hear her cooing with her new baby. I felt a sense of overwhelming sadness, combined with rage that the worst moment of my life was being shared with a stranger.

I asked them if I could see her. My mom looked for a wheelchair and hung my catheter bag and IVs on a pole with wheels and away we went. I was hurting badly from my surgery, felt incredibly dizzy, and dressed in only a hospital gown but I didn?t care. I needed to be with Kathryn. NOW. I arrived in the NICU to find her in an isolette hooked up to monitors and with oxygen taped to her face.

I just broke down and sobbed. I couldn?t process what I was seeing. The doctor came by and tried to explain to me what was going on but I don?t think I heard much of what he said. It was like ?blah blah blah?heart defect?blah blah?surgery?blah blah?Stanford?. It was all too much to take. I found a social worker and asked for a private room where I could go through this ordeal without the company of a stranger. Mike showed up at that point with our son and we both just broke down. It was unfortunate that Myles had to see both his parents like that but we were just lost in the moment. Mike and I cried and held each other for hours that day promising we would get through it together. It was overwhelming to say the least, incomprehensible. Couldn?t be happening. Not to us. Not now. We?re supposed to be holding her, smiling and laughing and taking pictures. Not mourning her on the day she arrived. What was ahead for her seemed so insurmountable. I couldn?t imagine that we were going to get through it. The mountain just seemed to high and too dangerous to climb over. I wouldn?t let myself be too optimistic about her recovery because it was just too painful to think about losing her. I didn?t want to think that she would die but I couldn?t let myself assume that she was going to live. I stayed in emotional limbo for the next 10 days. Mike tried to assume the best, I feared the worst. I cried constantly. I stuffed my emotions for the sake of my one healthy child, realizing that my breakdowns were hurting him. I questioned my spiritual beliefs. I prayed to no one in particular. I begged the universe to please let my baby live. I had so many plans for her. We were going to be mother and daughter. I would raise her and love her. I had dresses for her to wear. We would play Barbies. I would help her with her homework. She had to make it.

I had my tubes tied. This was it. My little baby girl that I had wished for was finally here, but I couldn?t have her. ?They? had her, and I somehow had to find the faith and trust to let her go with ?them?.

I can?t think of anything worse than giving birth and then not having a baby to hold, except death. It was like a death. Death of the dream of the perfect birth story. The day of surgery finally arrived and after we tearfully said our goodbye?s and watched them wheel her away, we held our breath and left the hospital. No sense in pacing the floors for 8 hours. My cell phone rang and the surgeon was on the phone saying ?I have some bad news?. After I nearly fainted he told me that he had to leave on an emergency and couldn?t do her surgery until the next day. I was just numb. Another 24 hours. What could I say?

Saturday arrived. We couldn?t say goodbye again so they just took her in to surgery at 7:00 am and finished at 2:00 pm. She was a mess of wires and tubes. Her face was swollen and unrecognizable. It was all I could do just to look at her. Finally one week later she was coming home with an NG tube in her nose. It was no fun caring for the tube and keeping it from catching on everything. Midnight feedings were a whole lot harder when you had to get out all the paraphernalia. But we made it through the next 2 weeks and thankfully the tube came out. She began eating normally, although slowly at first. She just kept gaining and getting stronger every day. Now at 8 months she?s a huge, healthy and happy little baby. Her checkups look good, and we are looking forward to her first birthday. This was without a doubt, the hardest thing I?ve ever lived through but having her in our lives is so worth it.