The Fine Line
Please note that the
following represent each family's individual experiences
and beliefs. Every family is different, and the needs and
feelings of the children involved will be unique. We
encourage you to seek professional advice if you have
concerns or questions with regard to these issues. Responses
to Family Room topic:
|
Our son, Owen, is 19 months. He has
AV block, which is controlled by a pacemaker that he received
at age 1 month.
Since he had a TERRIBLE recovery from the
open-chest surgery (sobbing every time he sneezed, coughed, or
hiccupped), I, too, have had a tendency to err on the side of
caution when Owen gets hurt and cries. Owen's dad
is less paranoid and tends to try distraction methods to get
Owen to stop crying. I have to admit, it usually works.
Yesterday I was at a large park in our
area and there were TONS of kids and parents there. Many
were toddlers. It was intriguing to observe how far
parents would let their toddlers go before getting up and
following, and which parents would let kids "cry it
out" when they got hurt on the playground.
I was definitely on the "stay close" side of the
spectrum, whereas there were a few parents who actually let
their kids get out of their sight! As far as injury, I
tend to pick Owen up when he gets hurt and make sure he's ok
rather than letting him cry on the ground and handle it
entirely himself like I saw some other parents doing.
I think a small bit of paranoia is ok for
parents like us. I don't know how you feel about Dr.
Sears--but he claims that "You can't spoil a baby.
'Spoiling' is what happens to fruit when you leave it on the
shelf too long." I tend to agree with this
particular statement, although I don't always agree with Sears
in general.
That being said, I would suggest maybe
trying something new when your toddler cries. I often
say, "Use your words, Owen." And about 7 times
out of 10 he will stop crying or whining and actually TELL ME
what's wrong. I think that's very cool. It
acknowledges his feelings but still put the ball in his
court, so to speak. Or, try distracting with a toy (?)
It works for my husband!
Above all, I would say don't feel guilty.
You're doing the best you can. And you're not going to
ruin your baby. If you really ARE spoiling him,
which I doubt, then one day when he's grown, he will probably
be sitting around talking to his newest girlfriend (!) and
say, "Yeah--I was kind-of a momma's boy when I was a
kid" and laugh! There are worse things! :-)
L.W.
|
| I have had this experience myself with my son (now 12).
I still find it difficult. Right now he is having a tough time at
school in gym class, coming in last in races, etc. I want him to be
physically well, but he isn't and never will be perfect. As for the
spoiled part, I spoiled my son out of fear like you speak of. Very
natural I think. It was, and is, very difficult to change once the
pattern is set. I have two younger children, and it has to be fair
in my house, and he has had to learn to share, etc. However, he
finds it much more difficult due to the "spoiled" beginning he
enjoyed till he was 3. Best of luck!
G. |
| I have a son who will be 15 months old in a few weeks. Like
your son, Christopher is our life. We have a daughter who is perfectly
healthy, and Christopher who has Tetralogy of Fallot. I feel that it is
normal for you to be worried because this is all new to you. There aren't
many answers and we are just scared to death of screwing up or doing the
wrong thing.
Christopher is now at the age where he needs to be corrected, and I
hate it because I do not know if the extra stress on his heart could
affect the leaky valve that he now has. I try every day to treat
Christopher just like I did Sue Ann when she was his age, but I am not the
same person because of all the worry.
A.S. |
|
First of all - I can really say go with your motherly intuition on this.
I know as mothers we all second guess ourselves. Our intuition was
given to us for a reason. I know going with your intuition can be
difficult when others are not understanding these "feelings"
that we have. Sounds to me like you are doing very well in this
department of helping your son to learn to wait for what he wants.
Since he did not have the opportunity to learn this earlier, it is better
now than never, which will require more understanding and patience on your
part. If temper tantrums arise from this try not to respond to them,
although if you sense a temper tantrum can medically harm your child, you
may need to look at this harder. As my pediatrician once told me
about my frustrated efforts that "your child will reach an age of
understanding where we can talk to him/her", so be patient to wait,
don't hurry it, since our time with our children is so little while
they are young and just enjoy them".
C. |
|
I totally understand your frustration! Our son was a twin birth and
after 13 surgical procedures, 7 of them open hearts, it is hard to treat
him like the other four kids, normal. We will never forget the hell
we faced with him in less than a three year time. I just pray he
grows up to be an adult. Good luck with your child now and always.
M.W. |
|
Our chronically sick child is our youngest. We
thought that we had seen and knew how to handle most things. But now
each night we deal with the crisis of do we let her cry, or do we rescue
her, knowing the crying is making her hurt.
We always rescue her. We wonder if we are
spoiling her this way, but we know that the crying hurts her, so we
continue to pick her up. We worry about who she will be when
she gets older, but then we also worry if she will get older, so I guess
we will just love her while we can.
The struggle is constant, but at least we can hold
her, and we are allowed to struggle.
T.S. |
Click here to read more
responses to this topic
Return to Family Room home page
|
